You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
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No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.