If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
No laws when master is gone
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Why am I like this?