Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano