“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
“What?”
– Jude
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Stick it to the man