Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
incredible text to wake up to
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.