Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
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me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.