*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”