For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
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The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Previously On Persistence 😎
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.