My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Who did it better?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA