ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
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*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.