When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
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Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My current situation
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.