The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
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Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
hmm conte-me mais
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.