Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
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Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”