Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
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Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
My work here is done
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.