Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
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Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
he was correct
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]