I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
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Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.