Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
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2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*