A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car