Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
You Might Also Like
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.