To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment