Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky