[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
and now we wait
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are