Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.