[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.