we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n