If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
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Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks