“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
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Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.