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Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Liquor Store Parking
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.