“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
You Might Also Like
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
WHO DID THIS?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them