Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.