*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
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If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I think this cat is broken
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
the short answer to this question
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.