The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I need a headline like this
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”