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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”