Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
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(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night