My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
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My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.