Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
This a good idea
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
But I really needed water water water
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.