My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
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and now we wait
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
life finds a way
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not