*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
found my next D&D character name
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*