Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
You Might Also Like
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
why isn’t he texting back
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?