Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
You Might Also Like
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.