I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
normalize having existential bread
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff