Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
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One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.