The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.