[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
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Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.