I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless