Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
You Might Also Like
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.