Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one