[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.