Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage