NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
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I was once killed by a shark escalator.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
People buying plungers never look happy.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots